- 344
- 331
- 63
CH*LD
I‘m not afraid of the darkness. Spiders don‘t bother me, nor do snakes or heights or any of the regular things. I‘m afraid of the CH*LD growing inside me, breathing my BLO*D, displacing my organs, until he eventually rips his bulbous head free from my body and leaves me in ruin. I‘m afraid that I will resent all the pain and obligation and loss of opportunity in life, and that all that hatred will make it impossible for me to love him. I‘m still more terrified that that I WILL love him – so much that it hurts. So much that I sacrifice everything for him, neglecting myself and my friends and my art… … until the day when his own ambitions pull him away from me, and I‘ll be left mourning the dissolution of my dreams and the emptiness of my life. And then I will sit down my aching limbs and wait for the weariness of old age to erode my cherished memories and free me from this heart-breaking desire to be someone. Then I will bless the day when I finally forget to ask myself what might have been, if only I had been selfish and lived my life for me. I wasn‘t afraid at the beginning though. I thought I wanted it – that we wanted it. My husband Kirk and I had just moved into our first house, and I was ready. Sure we still fought about stupid things, but we loved each other, and that should have been enough to make him love the CH*LD too. Okay. Do you want to make the appointment to take care of it, or should I?‖ That‘s all he said. We‘d been married a year, and he didn‘t even ask if I wanted to keep it. We started to argue, and then the fight took on a life of its own in that insidious way which leaves us screaming at each other about nothing and everything. I thought he was being immature – he thought I was the one who needed to grow up and quit painting. I said he didn‘t take enough initiative at work, and he said I didn‘t respect him. Before I knew what was happening, his pickup was spraying gravel in my face as I sobbed incoherently in the driveway. I didn‘t see him again for four months, which was more than enough time for me to doubt every decision I‘ve ever made in my entire life. Then suddenly one night he was crawling into bed at 2 AM, stinking like death, blubbering apologies and promises. I was so relieved that I didn‘t even mind that he was drunk. We were intimate as a husband and wife should be, and when I fell asleep on his chest afterward, I thought everything was going to be okay. ―I‘m so happy you came back,‖ I whispered, nestled against him. ―I changed my mind,‖ he said. ―I want the baby now.‖ "He's yours," I promised as I drifted off to sleep. There was so much BLO*D when I woke up that I thought I‘d been stabbed. I rushed to the bathroom, screaming for Kirk to help me, but he was nowhere to be found. A miscarriage doesn‘t just plop out and leave you as good as new. The baby drained from me over the whole next day, taking my soul with it. Big bloody clots, leaving me shrieking in anguish on the bathroom floor. I chanced to see myself in the mirror, and the sight of the network of bloody trails running down my thighs was enough to make me smash my fist straight through the glass. The pain was good. It reminded me that I had a body outside of the one that had just died. I couldn‘t flush it. I couldn‘t toss it. I couldn‘t even touch it. I just left it there on the floor and crawled back to my empty bed. I tossed and turned for hours until the clenching pain subsided, but it was nothing compared to the pain of knowing Kirk did this to me. I don‘t know how, or why, but when he came back last night, he killed my baby. And if my feelings in that moment were any indication, then he might have killed me too. I wasn‘t expecting to see Kirk again. I took myself to the doctor as soon as I was able to drive, and that was when I got my first big shock. The ultrasound confirmed a perfectly healthy, growing baby boy inside me. There wasn‘t even any indication of BLO*D loss – all my vitals were strong, and I didn't have anemia. The doctor couldn‘t explain what happened, but finally convinced me that I had a hysterical hallucination and that everything was fine. The bloody pool in my bathroom which greeted my return told a different story. I don‘t know what came out of me, but I couldn‘t force myself to scoop it up and bring it in for analysis. I just mopped everything off the floor and thanked every God that would listen that my CH*LD was still alive. The second big shock was from Kirk. When I heard the knocking on my door, I figured he was back again with another apology. Well it wasn‘t going to work – the CH*LD and I were both better off without him. When I opened the door though, it was his father who entered with his hat in hand. I sat quietly on the sofa with him while he explained his sympathies. I know you counted on Kirk, but I want you to know that you can count on us too. No man knows what he can bear until it‘s been put on his shoulders, and I‘m just so proud of you for carrying on without him.‖ The poor old man was moved to tears when I said they were welcome to stay involved with my life and the life of their grandchild. He hugged me, and patted my stomach, and told me all about the games Kirk used to play as a CH*LD and what to expect when my boy started growing older. Finally he said his goodbyes, promising to check in with me next week to see if there was anything I needed. ―I just wish Kirk was still around to see him grow up,‖ he said as he was leaving. I didn‘t want anything more to do with Kirk, but I was so touched by his father‘s sincerity that I still extended the offer. ―Tell Kirk that he‘s welcome to meet the baby too,‖ I said. ―Even if he won‘t be a father to him.‖ Kirk‘s father gave a hard-pressed smile. ―I think he‘d like that. The funeral is this Sunday, so I hope you and that baby will come say goodbye.‖ The words didn‘t register until after the door had closed. Kirk hadn‘t just left us. He‘d left everything. It had only been two days previous when I‘d seen him last, but I‘ve kept that meeting a secret until now. Everyone else at the funeral was convinced that he‘d put a shotgun in his mouth two weeks ago. Whatever had visited and been with me that night had told me it wanted the baby now, but it wasn‘t Kirk. That‘s when I started to become afraid of the CH*LD growing inside of me. I can‘t shake the thought that the stuff pouring out onto the bathroom floor – that was my real CH*LD from the real Kirk. What was now growing inside me – that must have come from the visitor. So there I was left wondering what I‘m more afraid of: That the CH*LD will be too horrible to let live, or that he is so beautiful that my life will be the one ending that day. It was too late to get it "taken care of", but I don't think I would have done it even if I could. It wasn't until I was well into my 8th month of pregnancy when I heard the 2 AM knocking again. I lay in bed trembling, holding my breath, wondering if it would just go away. No, there it was again. Hard insistent pounding – like something that would break the door in if I kept it waiting. "I know you're in there." It was Kirk's voice. I would still recognize it even if I didn't hear it again for fifty years. ―Go away.‖ I regretted it the moment I replied. An hour passed in the next few seconds of silence. As gut-wrenching as the stillness was, the sound of the opening door was worse. He was inside the house, but the thought of getting out of bed and confronting him – of confronting IT – that was unthinkable. I got out of bed to grab my phone from the nightstand and called the police instead. ―I need help,‖ I blurted into the phone. ―Someone‘s in my house and –― ―Did you make him a promise?‖ It was Kirk‘s voice on the line. My fingers were shaking so badly I couldn‘t even hang up. I just threw the phone across the room and jumped back into bed. This was all a bad dream. It was another hysterical hallucination. I just had to go back to sleep and –But how was I supposed to sleep when I heard footsteps climbing the stairs? ―What promise did you make me?‖ Kirk‘s voice was right outside my bedroom now. I couldn‘t answer him. I could barely breathe. I should have tried harder though, because when the door opened, it was even harder to think straight. Kirk was standing in the doorway, only half of his face was now missing from where the shotgun bullet entered his mouth. Had he looked like this the last time we were making love? It had been so dark, but the stench of death seemed all too familiar. ―There is no baby,‖ I FO*CED myself to say. ―He hasn‘t been born yet.‖ ―I don‘t care. He‘s mine.‖ The malodorous atmosphere engulfed me, and I could taste it like rotten cabbage dripping down the back of my throat. He was getting closer, but still blocked the only door out. ―You‘ll K*LL me if you take him now,‖ I told him. ―Please wait. At least until he‘s born.‖ ―I don‘t care! I want my son!‖ He lifted his stiff limbs with his hands to clamber into the bed beside me. I didn‘t see any weapon, but the thought of him trying to pull the CH*LD out of me with his rotting hands was even more terrifying. I gagged so violently that I would have fallen over if his hands hadn‘t clutched my shoulders. The icy nails sank into my arms, and I FO*CED myself not to watch as I felt some of his own decaying skin slide off to splatter across my bed. Those disgusting fingers – I had placed a ring upon one and sworn my love before my family and before God. That open wound disguised as a face – I did not know myself until I whispered my secrets to him and washed myself with his acceptance and support. If I closed my eyes, the arms that clenched around me could almost still have been the ones that held me every night as I fell asleep. ―Do you still love me?‖ I asked what used to be my husband. ―Does it matter? You can‘t love me in return.‖ ―If I could.‖ Every word I spoke carried the weight of my life and the life of my CH*LD. ―Would you still love me back?‖ ―You can‘t. If you could, I never would have left.‖ ―You still do, or you never would have come back.‖ Mother‘s make sacrifices for their CH*LD. That has been documented across eons of history, cultures, and even species. Kissing him wasn‘t for my CH*LD though. I did it to save my own life. In that moment, I would have ripped my own baby boy from my body and handed it to him if I could escape unharmed. I must be the worst mother in the world, because when Kirk was done with me that night, I still promised to give him the CH*LD when he was born. It‘s amazing how much my mind changed after I held my boy for the first time. Suddenly he wasn‘t just a medical condition which needed to be resolved. He was more a part of me now than he was inside me, and I finally understand that living for him wouldn‘t be a sacrifice. He is my soul, and everything that I do for him, I do for me. I know I‘ve been selfish with my love. I know I‘ve made promises which I don‘t intend to keep. I know I‘ve lied to what was left of my husband when I pleaded for my life. But now I truly have something worth living (and dying) for, and I‘m not going to give him up no matter what happens. Until then, I am doing the best I can getting by as a new parent who can‘t seem to get any sleep. It‘s not the baby keeping me up though. It‘s just the waiting for the 2 AM knock on my door.
I‘m not afraid of the darkness. Spiders don‘t bother me, nor do snakes or heights or any of the regular things. I‘m afraid of the CH*LD growing inside me, breathing my BLO*D, displacing my organs, until he eventually rips his bulbous head free from my body and leaves me in ruin. I‘m afraid that I will resent all the pain and obligation and loss of opportunity in life, and that all that hatred will make it impossible for me to love him. I‘m still more terrified that that I WILL love him – so much that it hurts. So much that I sacrifice everything for him, neglecting myself and my friends and my art… … until the day when his own ambitions pull him away from me, and I‘ll be left mourning the dissolution of my dreams and the emptiness of my life. And then I will sit down my aching limbs and wait for the weariness of old age to erode my cherished memories and free me from this heart-breaking desire to be someone. Then I will bless the day when I finally forget to ask myself what might have been, if only I had been selfish and lived my life for me. I wasn‘t afraid at the beginning though. I thought I wanted it – that we wanted it. My husband Kirk and I had just moved into our first house, and I was ready. Sure we still fought about stupid things, but we loved each other, and that should have been enough to make him love the CH*LD too. Okay. Do you want to make the appointment to take care of it, or should I?‖ That‘s all he said. We‘d been married a year, and he didn‘t even ask if I wanted to keep it. We started to argue, and then the fight took on a life of its own in that insidious way which leaves us screaming at each other about nothing and everything. I thought he was being immature – he thought I was the one who needed to grow up and quit painting. I said he didn‘t take enough initiative at work, and he said I didn‘t respect him. Before I knew what was happening, his pickup was spraying gravel in my face as I sobbed incoherently in the driveway. I didn‘t see him again for four months, which was more than enough time for me to doubt every decision I‘ve ever made in my entire life. Then suddenly one night he was crawling into bed at 2 AM, stinking like death, blubbering apologies and promises. I was so relieved that I didn‘t even mind that he was drunk. We were intimate as a husband and wife should be, and when I fell asleep on his chest afterward, I thought everything was going to be okay. ―I‘m so happy you came back,‖ I whispered, nestled against him. ―I changed my mind,‖ he said. ―I want the baby now.‖ "He's yours," I promised as I drifted off to sleep. There was so much BLO*D when I woke up that I thought I‘d been stabbed. I rushed to the bathroom, screaming for Kirk to help me, but he was nowhere to be found. A miscarriage doesn‘t just plop out and leave you as good as new. The baby drained from me over the whole next day, taking my soul with it. Big bloody clots, leaving me shrieking in anguish on the bathroom floor. I chanced to see myself in the mirror, and the sight of the network of bloody trails running down my thighs was enough to make me smash my fist straight through the glass. The pain was good. It reminded me that I had a body outside of the one that had just died. I couldn‘t flush it. I couldn‘t toss it. I couldn‘t even touch it. I just left it there on the floor and crawled back to my empty bed. I tossed and turned for hours until the clenching pain subsided, but it was nothing compared to the pain of knowing Kirk did this to me. I don‘t know how, or why, but when he came back last night, he killed my baby. And if my feelings in that moment were any indication, then he might have killed me too. I wasn‘t expecting to see Kirk again. I took myself to the doctor as soon as I was able to drive, and that was when I got my first big shock. The ultrasound confirmed a perfectly healthy, growing baby boy inside me. There wasn‘t even any indication of BLO*D loss – all my vitals were strong, and I didn't have anemia. The doctor couldn‘t explain what happened, but finally convinced me that I had a hysterical hallucination and that everything was fine. The bloody pool in my bathroom which greeted my return told a different story. I don‘t know what came out of me, but I couldn‘t force myself to scoop it up and bring it in for analysis. I just mopped everything off the floor and thanked every God that would listen that my CH*LD was still alive. The second big shock was from Kirk. When I heard the knocking on my door, I figured he was back again with another apology. Well it wasn‘t going to work – the CH*LD and I were both better off without him. When I opened the door though, it was his father who entered with his hat in hand. I sat quietly on the sofa with him while he explained his sympathies. I know you counted on Kirk, but I want you to know that you can count on us too. No man knows what he can bear until it‘s been put on his shoulders, and I‘m just so proud of you for carrying on without him.‖ The poor old man was moved to tears when I said they were welcome to stay involved with my life and the life of their grandchild. He hugged me, and patted my stomach, and told me all about the games Kirk used to play as a CH*LD and what to expect when my boy started growing older. Finally he said his goodbyes, promising to check in with me next week to see if there was anything I needed. ―I just wish Kirk was still around to see him grow up,‖ he said as he was leaving. I didn‘t want anything more to do with Kirk, but I was so touched by his father‘s sincerity that I still extended the offer. ―Tell Kirk that he‘s welcome to meet the baby too,‖ I said. ―Even if he won‘t be a father to him.‖ Kirk‘s father gave a hard-pressed smile. ―I think he‘d like that. The funeral is this Sunday, so I hope you and that baby will come say goodbye.‖ The words didn‘t register until after the door had closed. Kirk hadn‘t just left us. He‘d left everything. It had only been two days previous when I‘d seen him last, but I‘ve kept that meeting a secret until now. Everyone else at the funeral was convinced that he‘d put a shotgun in his mouth two weeks ago. Whatever had visited and been with me that night had told me it wanted the baby now, but it wasn‘t Kirk. That‘s when I started to become afraid of the CH*LD growing inside of me. I can‘t shake the thought that the stuff pouring out onto the bathroom floor – that was my real CH*LD from the real Kirk. What was now growing inside me – that must have come from the visitor. So there I was left wondering what I‘m more afraid of: That the CH*LD will be too horrible to let live, or that he is so beautiful that my life will be the one ending that day. It was too late to get it "taken care of", but I don't think I would have done it even if I could. It wasn't until I was well into my 8th month of pregnancy when I heard the 2 AM knocking again. I lay in bed trembling, holding my breath, wondering if it would just go away. No, there it was again. Hard insistent pounding – like something that would break the door in if I kept it waiting. "I know you're in there." It was Kirk's voice. I would still recognize it even if I didn't hear it again for fifty years. ―Go away.‖ I regretted it the moment I replied. An hour passed in the next few seconds of silence. As gut-wrenching as the stillness was, the sound of the opening door was worse. He was inside the house, but the thought of getting out of bed and confronting him – of confronting IT – that was unthinkable. I got out of bed to grab my phone from the nightstand and called the police instead. ―I need help,‖ I blurted into the phone. ―Someone‘s in my house and –― ―Did you make him a promise?‖ It was Kirk‘s voice on the line. My fingers were shaking so badly I couldn‘t even hang up. I just threw the phone across the room and jumped back into bed. This was all a bad dream. It was another hysterical hallucination. I just had to go back to sleep and –But how was I supposed to sleep when I heard footsteps climbing the stairs? ―What promise did you make me?‖ Kirk‘s voice was right outside my bedroom now. I couldn‘t answer him. I could barely breathe. I should have tried harder though, because when the door opened, it was even harder to think straight. Kirk was standing in the doorway, only half of his face was now missing from where the shotgun bullet entered his mouth. Had he looked like this the last time we were making love? It had been so dark, but the stench of death seemed all too familiar. ―There is no baby,‖ I FO*CED myself to say. ―He hasn‘t been born yet.‖ ―I don‘t care. He‘s mine.‖ The malodorous atmosphere engulfed me, and I could taste it like rotten cabbage dripping down the back of my throat. He was getting closer, but still blocked the only door out. ―You‘ll K*LL me if you take him now,‖ I told him. ―Please wait. At least until he‘s born.‖ ―I don‘t care! I want my son!‖ He lifted his stiff limbs with his hands to clamber into the bed beside me. I didn‘t see any weapon, but the thought of him trying to pull the CH*LD out of me with his rotting hands was even more terrifying. I gagged so violently that I would have fallen over if his hands hadn‘t clutched my shoulders. The icy nails sank into my arms, and I FO*CED myself not to watch as I felt some of his own decaying skin slide off to splatter across my bed. Those disgusting fingers – I had placed a ring upon one and sworn my love before my family and before God. That open wound disguised as a face – I did not know myself until I whispered my secrets to him and washed myself with his acceptance and support. If I closed my eyes, the arms that clenched around me could almost still have been the ones that held me every night as I fell asleep. ―Do you still love me?‖ I asked what used to be my husband. ―Does it matter? You can‘t love me in return.‖ ―If I could.‖ Every word I spoke carried the weight of my life and the life of my CH*LD. ―Would you still love me back?‖ ―You can‘t. If you could, I never would have left.‖ ―You still do, or you never would have come back.‖ Mother‘s make sacrifices for their CH*LD. That has been documented across eons of history, cultures, and even species. Kissing him wasn‘t for my CH*LD though. I did it to save my own life. In that moment, I would have ripped my own baby boy from my body and handed it to him if I could escape unharmed. I must be the worst mother in the world, because when Kirk was done with me that night, I still promised to give him the CH*LD when he was born. It‘s amazing how much my mind changed after I held my boy for the first time. Suddenly he wasn‘t just a medical condition which needed to be resolved. He was more a part of me now than he was inside me, and I finally understand that living for him wouldn‘t be a sacrifice. He is my soul, and everything that I do for him, I do for me. I know I‘ve been selfish with my love. I know I‘ve made promises which I don‘t intend to keep. I know I‘ve lied to what was left of my husband when I pleaded for my life. But now I truly have something worth living (and dying) for, and I‘m not going to give him up no matter what happens. Until then, I am doing the best I can getting by as a new parent who can‘t seem to get any sleep. It‘s not the baby keeping me up though. It‘s just the waiting for the 2 AM knock on my door.